Like many people with autism, social skills do not come
naturally to Alex. With difficulties in communication and sensory issues,
he can find dealing with others somewhat overwhelming. Nonetheless, he likes
interacting with people, so he is willing to be taught the social
graces that most people learn more easily. Even at age twenty-six, Alex often
needs reminders to say “Hello” and “Goodbye” to people as well as cues to say “Please” and “Thank you.” As a major part of behavioral
therapy, his therapist works with him to develop social skills, and
Ed and I reinforce these skills many times every day.
Among the social skills his behavioral therapist has taught Alex is reciprocal conversation, that is, learning how to have a give-and-take conversation with another person. She often models the behavior by asking Alex questions and then has him ask her similar questions. With time and practice, he is getting better at making conversation, but he still relies upon prompts. Last week, his music therapist was telling about a recent family vacation. I then asked Alex to come up with two questions he could ask about that vacation. Immediately, Alex asked him the name of the town they visited and how far the drive was to get there. While this shows Alex’s areas of interest––geography and statistics––those were still good questions to show interest in his therapist’s trip.
Perhaps because I have been working on reciprocal conversation with Alex, I am more aware of how people who don’t struggle with autism make conversation. Sometimes, I am surprised by how some typical people run monologues instead of dialogues. As a person who cares about others and asks questions about their families, I’m disappointed and even hurt when they fail to ask about Alex after I have shown interest in them by asking about their children. Unlike me, who takes things like that personally, Ed overlooks the omission and cuts others slack, assuming that they don’t know what to ask about Alex because he has autism. Maybe people are fearful that we would tell upsetting anecdotes, but no matter how things are going, we would always assure people that we are “fine.” However, it’s always nice to be asked anyway.
Recently, one of my favorite autism mom bloggers, Cathy Jameson, posted a terrific article on the Age of Autism website titled “Befriending Autism” regarding the discomfort others may feel about being around someone with autism. [To read this essay, please click here.] Noting that some people aren’t sure what to do or say when they see her son who has autism, she doesn’t want to make them feel more uncomfortable. Instead, she offers, “I thought of a few things they, and others in similar situations, might want to try when they see us next.”
The first four suggestions are simple and direct: wave, say hi, ask (how she’s doing and how her son is doing), and listen to her. As someone who likes mnemonic devices to remember concepts, I would use the acronym LAWS (listen/ask/wave/say hi). Her fifth suggestion may require more effort: “Be you.” She goes on to explain that she wants to catch up with the other person’s news, but she would also appreciate the other person talking to her son, even though he can’t respond verbally. However, as she explains, he can hear and see and recognize whether people are genuine or not. More importantly, she states, “When you shower him with kindness, you shower all of us with kindness.”
Because we have been blessed with people in our lives who have shown Alex special kindness––even some of whom we barely know––we have seen that the tips Cathy Jameson offers work wonders. Few things please Ed and me more than when coworkers or friends ask us how Alex is doing and make it even sweeter by asking us to say hello to him for them. Parents like to be asked about their kids, and autism parents are no exception.
From having observed kind people interacting positively with Alex, I can make a few suggestions about how someone might talk to a person with autism.
1. Call people by name first to help get their attention. Alex is often overwhelmed by all the sensory stimuli around him, but his ears perk up when he hears his name.
Among the social skills his behavioral therapist has taught Alex is reciprocal conversation, that is, learning how to have a give-and-take conversation with another person. She often models the behavior by asking Alex questions and then has him ask her similar questions. With time and practice, he is getting better at making conversation, but he still relies upon prompts. Last week, his music therapist was telling about a recent family vacation. I then asked Alex to come up with two questions he could ask about that vacation. Immediately, Alex asked him the name of the town they visited and how far the drive was to get there. While this shows Alex’s areas of interest––geography and statistics––those were still good questions to show interest in his therapist’s trip.
Perhaps because I have been working on reciprocal conversation with Alex, I am more aware of how people who don’t struggle with autism make conversation. Sometimes, I am surprised by how some typical people run monologues instead of dialogues. As a person who cares about others and asks questions about their families, I’m disappointed and even hurt when they fail to ask about Alex after I have shown interest in them by asking about their children. Unlike me, who takes things like that personally, Ed overlooks the omission and cuts others slack, assuming that they don’t know what to ask about Alex because he has autism. Maybe people are fearful that we would tell upsetting anecdotes, but no matter how things are going, we would always assure people that we are “fine.” However, it’s always nice to be asked anyway.
Recently, one of my favorite autism mom bloggers, Cathy Jameson, posted a terrific article on the Age of Autism website titled “Befriending Autism” regarding the discomfort others may feel about being around someone with autism. [To read this essay, please click here.] Noting that some people aren’t sure what to do or say when they see her son who has autism, she doesn’t want to make them feel more uncomfortable. Instead, she offers, “I thought of a few things they, and others in similar situations, might want to try when they see us next.”
The first four suggestions are simple and direct: wave, say hi, ask (how she’s doing and how her son is doing), and listen to her. As someone who likes mnemonic devices to remember concepts, I would use the acronym LAWS (listen/ask/wave/say hi). Her fifth suggestion may require more effort: “Be you.” She goes on to explain that she wants to catch up with the other person’s news, but she would also appreciate the other person talking to her son, even though he can’t respond verbally. However, as she explains, he can hear and see and recognize whether people are genuine or not. More importantly, she states, “When you shower him with kindness, you shower all of us with kindness.”
Because we have been blessed with people in our lives who have shown Alex special kindness––even some of whom we barely know––we have seen that the tips Cathy Jameson offers work wonders. Few things please Ed and me more than when coworkers or friends ask us how Alex is doing and make it even sweeter by asking us to say hello to him for them. Parents like to be asked about their kids, and autism parents are no exception.
From having observed kind people interacting positively with Alex, I can make a few suggestions about how someone might talk to a person with autism.
1. Call people by name first to help get their attention. Alex is often overwhelmed by all the sensory stimuli around him, but his ears perk up when he hears his name.
2. Realize that
the person may appear to be ignoring you, especially because eye contact is
often difficult for people with autism, but they are probably paying more
attention than you would ever think.
3. Find out
from parents what the child’s current interest is so that you know what
questions you could ask. For example, one of the ladies who works at a nearby
fast food restaurant shares Alex’s love of the Chicago Cubs, so she asks him
what time the next game is, knowing this is something he’s happy to tell her.
4. Offer a
sincere compliment. “I like your shirt.” “You have a great smile.” “You’re
being so patient.” “I’m so happy to see you.” Not only did these nice comments
please Alex, but they made his parents proud, too.
5. Give the
person plenty of time to respond to a question. Alex takes time to process what
is said to him and more time to come up with an answer. Sometimes parents may
intervene by repeating or rephrasing the question or by cueing the child to
answer.
While interacting with children and adults who have autism may be uncomfortable, even simple gestures, such as waving or saying hello, can mean a great deal to people with autism and their families. For one thing, these situations enable people with autism to practice their social skills. Certainly, those who make the effort will likely find themselves endeared to the parents of the child with autism. Those who engage Alex in conversation may witness the shudder of joy, in which puts his hands between his knees as he grins and shudders, trying to contain how happy he is. In addition, those sweet souls may become part of Alex’s nightly prayer list. I have to think that, indeed, God will bless those whom Alex names, knowing that their kind gestures touched the heart of a young man with autism.
While interacting with children and adults who have autism may be uncomfortable, even simple gestures, such as waving or saying hello, can mean a great deal to people with autism and their families. For one thing, these situations enable people with autism to practice their social skills. Certainly, those who make the effort will likely find themselves endeared to the parents of the child with autism. Those who engage Alex in conversation may witness the shudder of joy, in which puts his hands between his knees as he grins and shudders, trying to contain how happy he is. In addition, those sweet souls may become part of Alex’s nightly prayer list. I have to think that, indeed, God will bless those whom Alex names, knowing that their kind gestures touched the heart of a young man with autism.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,
clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and
patience.” Colossians 3:12
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