To gain greater understanding of their children with autism,
parents may seek the first-hand accounts from high functioning adults with
autism. In “What It’s Like Growing Up Autistic,” published online in Folks last
week on September 12th, Alyssa Gonzales shares her experiences and
explains her perspectives. [To read this article, please click here.] While she
offers clear explanations for common behaviors in autism, she also candidly and
rather harshly condemns her parents.
First, she explains why she has trouble with eye contact. Although she admits, “I have never liked making eye contact,” she notes that she was never aware of her lack of eye contact until high school. Once others commented on her lack of eye contact, she practiced during classes by looking across the room at people, only to find them angry or uncomfortable that she was staring at them. She further explains that making eye contact with people up close is “overwhelming” and “intense,” creating “alarm and discomfort.” Consequently, she has learned to look at people’s faces without looking at their eyes. However, she finds eyes appealing, even if eye contact proves difficult, admitting, “I love eyes. But they are too much for me to deal with when they are looking back.”
Another problem for her is dealing with loud noises. To cope with sounds that overwhelm her, she only goes to outdoor concerts and sits far from the stage, plugs her ears when she hears loud noises, and wears earplugs at times. She notes, “My family has always felt the need to push me to accept louder environments…And to a certain extent, it worked.” To illustrate, she explains, “Practicing being in loud rooms gave me the fortitude to survive some parties long enough to collect some cherished memories.” However, she admits that she did not enjoy dealing with the noise associated with these special times.
To cope with anxiety, she finds touch soothing, such as holding a smooth rock or wringing her hands or holding onto a banister. In addition, she likes to lean on furniture when she talks to other people. By touching objects, she feels “grounded” and “connected to this space, instead of wafting through it like a ghostly breeze.”
After explaining aspects of life that prove difficult, the author describes the things she loves best—her fixations and passions. For example, she enjoyed reading dictionaries and encyclopedias, memorizing scientific information, and making lists of the countries of the world. She notes, “I brim with enthusiasm I don’t know how to share.” However, she has learned to contain her enthusiasm, which she believes people use as “a weapon” against her. Specifically, she says that people may see her as “weird” or “a mutant,” even blaming her for recommending a movie they don’t like. By keeping these passions to herself, people now perceive her as “withdrawn.”
In her attempts to adapt to the world, the author seems to harbor bitterness toward those who apparently tried to help her cope, namely her family, friends, and teachers. She blames them for trying to change her and states that “they should have known I could never shed or suppress or unlearn” the aspects that make her untypical. Furthermore, she asserts, “If only they’d just let me go ahead and be autistic instead of pressing me into this world’s joyless mold, perhaps I would have been happier. How could they not tell?” Continuing her criticism of those who apparently ruined her life, she proclaims, “If only I had been supported in who I was, just imagine who I would have been allowed to become.”
While I appreciate Alyssa Gonzales’ willingness to share her experiences with autism candidly, I think she may have perceived intentions to help as intrusions on her life. Certainly, life with autism is difficult, but raising a child with autism is also difficult. In trying to help a child with autism cope in a world that overwhelms at times, parents may make mistakes, but I would venture those mistakes are made out of love. Knowing that others may not view certain autistic behaviors as acceptable, parents and teachers may teach the child alternative ways to cope with anxiety and to interact with others positively, hoping to prevent them from being victims of bullying, which is all too common.
Most of all, I’m sorry that Alyssa Gonzales sees the world as “joyless” and believes that her potential and happiness were quashed by the actions of those around her. Perhaps, she could instead look at what she has been able to accomplish, such as her ability to express herself clearly through writing, and find joy and a sense of pride in her achievements. As we continue to work with Alex on his social skills, we know that he needs to learn how to speak and act in such a way that others find him likeable. As we see him interact with others, we realize that he is developing a charm that engages people, and we are thankful for this progress. Certainly, we hope that he will not look back resentfully on our heartfelt efforts to make his life better. However, with the joyous approach Alex takes to life, I believe he understands that our unconditional love for him motivates our drive to help him reach his full potential as he overcomes the obstacles autism has presented.
First, she explains why she has trouble with eye contact. Although she admits, “I have never liked making eye contact,” she notes that she was never aware of her lack of eye contact until high school. Once others commented on her lack of eye contact, she practiced during classes by looking across the room at people, only to find them angry or uncomfortable that she was staring at them. She further explains that making eye contact with people up close is “overwhelming” and “intense,” creating “alarm and discomfort.” Consequently, she has learned to look at people’s faces without looking at their eyes. However, she finds eyes appealing, even if eye contact proves difficult, admitting, “I love eyes. But they are too much for me to deal with when they are looking back.”
Another problem for her is dealing with loud noises. To cope with sounds that overwhelm her, she only goes to outdoor concerts and sits far from the stage, plugs her ears when she hears loud noises, and wears earplugs at times. She notes, “My family has always felt the need to push me to accept louder environments…And to a certain extent, it worked.” To illustrate, she explains, “Practicing being in loud rooms gave me the fortitude to survive some parties long enough to collect some cherished memories.” However, she admits that she did not enjoy dealing with the noise associated with these special times.
To cope with anxiety, she finds touch soothing, such as holding a smooth rock or wringing her hands or holding onto a banister. In addition, she likes to lean on furniture when she talks to other people. By touching objects, she feels “grounded” and “connected to this space, instead of wafting through it like a ghostly breeze.”
After explaining aspects of life that prove difficult, the author describes the things she loves best—her fixations and passions. For example, she enjoyed reading dictionaries and encyclopedias, memorizing scientific information, and making lists of the countries of the world. She notes, “I brim with enthusiasm I don’t know how to share.” However, she has learned to contain her enthusiasm, which she believes people use as “a weapon” against her. Specifically, she says that people may see her as “weird” or “a mutant,” even blaming her for recommending a movie they don’t like. By keeping these passions to herself, people now perceive her as “withdrawn.”
In her attempts to adapt to the world, the author seems to harbor bitterness toward those who apparently tried to help her cope, namely her family, friends, and teachers. She blames them for trying to change her and states that “they should have known I could never shed or suppress or unlearn” the aspects that make her untypical. Furthermore, she asserts, “If only they’d just let me go ahead and be autistic instead of pressing me into this world’s joyless mold, perhaps I would have been happier. How could they not tell?” Continuing her criticism of those who apparently ruined her life, she proclaims, “If only I had been supported in who I was, just imagine who I would have been allowed to become.”
While I appreciate Alyssa Gonzales’ willingness to share her experiences with autism candidly, I think she may have perceived intentions to help as intrusions on her life. Certainly, life with autism is difficult, but raising a child with autism is also difficult. In trying to help a child with autism cope in a world that overwhelms at times, parents may make mistakes, but I would venture those mistakes are made out of love. Knowing that others may not view certain autistic behaviors as acceptable, parents and teachers may teach the child alternative ways to cope with anxiety and to interact with others positively, hoping to prevent them from being victims of bullying, which is all too common.
Most of all, I’m sorry that Alyssa Gonzales sees the world as “joyless” and believes that her potential and happiness were quashed by the actions of those around her. Perhaps, she could instead look at what she has been able to accomplish, such as her ability to express herself clearly through writing, and find joy and a sense of pride in her achievements. As we continue to work with Alex on his social skills, we know that he needs to learn how to speak and act in such a way that others find him likeable. As we see him interact with others, we realize that he is developing a charm that engages people, and we are thankful for this progress. Certainly, we hope that he will not look back resentfully on our heartfelt efforts to make his life better. However, with the joyous approach Alex takes to life, I believe he understands that our unconditional love for him motivates our drive to help him reach his full potential as he overcomes the obstacles autism has presented.
“…for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the
victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.” I John 5:4
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