Learning to Serve; Serving to Learn

 

One of Alex’s current favorite activities is going out to eat at restaurants. Because his behavior has improved significantly over the past few years, he has been able to enjoy these outings at least once or twice a week. In fact, we use dinners at restaurants as a reward for good behavior, and this offer motivates him to be cooperative. He doesn’t need anything fancy; he’s happy with any family-style restaurant whose menu offers food he can eat on his gluten-free and dairy-free diet. Fortunately, most of the places we take him offer excellent service. Moreover, he’s become such a regular in some restaurants that they know him by name and remember that root beer is his beverage of choice.

On Friday and Saturday we had completely contrasting experiences at two different family restaurants we visited. At our favorite Friday spot, the waitress greeted Alex by name, kept his glass filled with root beer, and provided the usual excellent service this restaurant consistently offers. However, on Saturday, the waitress mixed up Alex’s root beer with my Coca-Cola, forgot to bring one of Ed’s side dishes, and had to be asked repeatedly for beverage refills, despite the signs at every booth proclaiming “Endless Refills” on soft drinks. Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of the poor customer service was that she really didn’t seem to care, nor did she apologize for keeping people waiting. Needless to say, we will probably cross that restaurant off our list of possible places to take Alex.

Perhaps I’m more observant about how restaurants treat their customers because I worked as a waitress at a well-run family-owned restaurant all the while I was in college. The owners expected their staff to give the best service to customers and trained us well. Looking back on that experience, I realize that many of the skills I learned then in my late teens and early twenties have proven valuable to my life as an autism mom.

First, keep people happy and updated while they wait. As a waitress, that means keeping coffee warm with frequent top-offs from the coffee pot and refilling soft drinks as needed. In addition, if the kitchen is taking a long time to prepare the food, reassure the customers that their meal should be ready soon. As an autism mom, I know that keeping Alex happy while he waits someplace often involves a snack and a beverage, as well as distracting him with conversation or something to read, and reassuring him that the wait won’t be much longer.

Next, check in frequently to make sure things are going well, but don’t hover. A good waitress makes sure the order is correct when delivering the food, but still returns a few minutes later in case the customers realize they need something, such as steak sauce. Throughout the meal, the waitress should be available in the vicinity of where the customers are seated, but without making them feel that they are being stalked. As an autism mom, I have to keep an eye on what Alex is doing and be available if he needs my assistance, but I also have to let him do things on his own. When he’s had enough of my presence, he’s not above letting me know, as he used to tell me, “Mommy is leaving now!”

While attending to needs, don’t waste steps. A waitress with a coffee pot in hand should offer to refill all of the customers’ coffee cups instead of running back and forth between the coffeemaker and the booths. We were taught never to have empty hands. If we weren’t carrying food or a coffee pot, we were to be picking up menus or emptied plates. This efficient busyness was terrific training for my life as an autism mom, where I multitask most of the day to keep things rolling smoothly for Alex.

In addition, as a waitress I was taught to remain calm, even during the busiest times. Invariably, on hectic weekend evenings, the food for several tables would be ready at the same time, yet my job was to take the time to give the best service while making sure the food didn’t sit too long before being taken to the tables. At times, I felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry or go running out of the restaurant; however, I could not get rattled. Similarly, my role as an autism mom requires me to be able to juggle several things at the same time while never letting Alex know I’m under stress. If he senses that I’m upset, he will become upset, too, so it’s to my advantage to stay calm at all times.

Another lesson I learned as a waitress was the old adage, “The customer is always right.” Even when the customer was actually wrong, we were instructed to keep them happy. Occasionally, that meant taking unfair accusations from people, but that was also good training for my later life as an autism mom. During meltdowns when Alex has falsely accused me of making a mistake or saying something I didn’t say, I know to let him think he’s right until he calms down.

Probably the most valuable thing I learned as a waitress was to apologize, even if it was not my fault. Everyone makes mistakes, and the ability to admit the errors and to say, “I’m sorry” usually helps smooth a situation.  I found that most customers quickly got over their upset when I genuinely apologized for something that went wrong. As an autism mom, I apologize often to Alex: “I’m sorry, but I can’t hear you.” or “I’m sorry we don't have any; we need to go to the store to get more.” or “I’m sorry that you’re not happy.”  In turn, Alex has learned to admit his mistakes and to apologize quickly. Apologizing shows an acknowledgement of the other person’s frustration, disappointment, or anger and strives to make the situation better. Unfortunately, apologizing seems to be a social nicety that some people lack, but I’m pleased that Alex realizes the value of saying, “I’m sorry.”

Looking back on my experiences of waiting tables, I recognize that God used my first job as training for the most important job of my life: being Alex’s mom. Although being able to balance dinner for four on my arms without a tray is a pretty neat trick, what’s more impressive is how God knew what I would need years later and allowed me to learn in unexpected ways. By learning to serve others, to multitask, to remain calm under pressure, and to deal with people who are upset, I was better prepared for the challenges of parenting a child with autism. The longer I live and the more I experience, I realize that everything has a purpose, even when we don’t see it at the time.

“God has given each of you a gift from His great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.” I Peter 4:10

Dining Out on a Gluten-Free Casein-Free Diet

 

When a child has a food allergy or sensitivity, dining out can be tricky, trying to navigate what menu items do not include potential allergens. When Alex was seven years old, we discovered that he, like many children with autism, has sensitivities to glutens found in wheat and other grains and to milk products. Since then, we have tried to keep his diet as free of gluten and dairy products as possible. The availability of online menus with nutritional information makes it easier for us to dine out at restaurants or to get take-out food from fast food restaurants. Some restaurants make this task easier than others, depending upon how user friendly their nutritional guides and allergen information lists are. Here are some of our favorite restaurants and how they fare in terms of presenting information and offering food Alex can eat on his gluten-free and casein (dairy)-free diet.

Yats—This Cajun and Creole restaurant always offers at least two main dishes that they clearly identify as GF (gluten-free) and DF (dairy-free) as well as providing vegan choices. Alex’s favorites: white chili or red beans and rice, minus the bread that comes with the meal

Bob Evans––This family restaurant with a large menu makes ordering allergen-free easy, listing common allergens: dairy, egg, soy, wheat, glutens, peanuts, tree nuts, fish, and shellfish, along with sulfites, MSG, and yellow #5.  When ordering online, a gluten-free option is available to make choices clearer. Alex’s breakfast menu: scrambled eggs, home fries, sausage links, and seasonal fresh fruit dish

Dickey’s Barbecue Pit—This restaurant famous for its barbecued meat offers an easy-to-read chart with allergen information for eggs, dairy, soy, wheat, seafood, shellfish, peanuts, and tree nuts. Alex’s pick: chicken breast or pulled pork with cole slaw and barbecue beans

Panera Bread—This bakery restaurant used to offer a more detailed allergen menu; however, they now seem to have some concerns about being specific. Their website states: “At this time, this website does not identify allergens for added or removed ingredients.” Fortunately, we figured out what Alex can eat before they became so cautious. Alex’s choice: classic salad

Noodles and Company—In contrast to Panera, Noodles and Company has become more helpful to those with food allergies, offering gluten-free pasta as a substitution for their famous noodles. In addition, they offer an easy-to-read nutrition and allergen guide chart along with a nutrition sorter for various allergens: peanuts, tree nuts, soy, milk, eggs, fish, shellfish, and wheat/gluten. Alex’s favorites: Chinese chop salad minus wontons or Pad Thai

Chili’s—This family restaurant offers easy-to-read allergen menus online, categorized by the common allergens (eggs, milk, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, fish, shellfish, wheat/gluten). Alex’s favorite: classic sirloin without garlic butter, corn on the cob, and steamed broccoli

Fazoli’s—This Italian restaurant provides an ingredient statement online for items containing milk, egg, soy, wheat, peanuts, and tree nuts. However, one must then look up individual menu items to see what ingredients they contain, which is not user friendly. Alex’s choice: Italian house salad without cheese

Tomato Bar/Pizza Hut/Domino’s Pizza—These pizza places now offer gluten-free crusts, and cheese can be omitted to make the pizza gluten-free and dairy-free. Alex’s pick: gluten-free crust, no cheese, topped with Italian sausage and mushrooms

McDonald’s—This fast food place offers a very specific ingredients list, noting the allergens milk, soy, wheat, egg, and fish, but at 36 pages, it isn’t very user friendly. Alex’s choice: hamburgers minus the buns with a side salad or apple slices

Wendy’s—In contrast to McDonald’s, Wendy’s offers a nice easy-to-read chart online regarding nutrition information along with information about gluten and food allergies. Alex’s favorite: plain baked potato topped with chili

Burger King—This fast food restaurant provides a gluten-sensitivities list and an allergens guide for milk, wheat, egg, soy, fish, peanuts, and tree nuts. Alex’s choice: hamburger or Tendergrill chicken fillet (minus the bun) and French fries

Arby’s—This fast food restaurant known for their roast beef includes an eight-page online listing of ingredients and allergen information for milk, soy, egg, wheat, and fish. Alex’s favorite: Arby max roast beef sandwich (minus the bun) and potato cakes

Subway—This sandwich fast food restaurant offers a very nice online chart listing allergy and ingredient information. Alex’s choice: turkey breast (no bread), with lettuce, tomato, pickles, black olives, and green peppers

Although we have learned to cook foods at home that Alex can eat on his restrictive gluten-free and casein-free diet, it’s nice to be able to eat at restaurants or bring home carry-out food at times. Thankfully, many restaurants now understand the needs of their customers who have food allergies and provide them with detailed information so that they can choose from the menu and know that they will avoid those foods to which they are sensitive or allergic.

“Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in Him!” Psalm 34:8

Adventures

This week, Alex and I are on spring vacation. "Vacation" is really a misnomer because we aren’t actually going somewhere on vacation; perhaps spring break is a better explanation for our situation—we’re on a break from school. Since the university where Ed teaches always has its spring break the first two weeks of March, and the school district where I teach always has its spring vacation the last week of March, our schedules for spring break never coordinate. Not that this difference really matters because we don’t vacation in the traditional sense anyway. Certainly, we enjoy our time off from school, but we spend our time relaxing at home instead of on a beach or at a family fun park. With Alex’s potential to have meltdowns—although less frequent than when he was younger—and his restricted diet that requires planning, staying home makes more sense than trying to deal with issues in unfamiliar settings.

This spring break week, as my friends and colleagues are flying to far-flung places, such as Arizona, Florida, Las Vegas, Cancun, Colorado, and the Caribbean, I’ll be here in Indiana hoping for sunshine. Fortunately, I am a homebody by nature, so staying home never feels like a sacrifice to me. Interestingly, two of my friends who are mothers of teenagers confessed that they would rather stay home, too, instead of going on their family’s planned trips over spring vacation, especially considering all the work involved in packing and unpacking that a trip involves. What they were most looking forward to on their vacations was spending time with their kids, and I can do that at home with Alex more easily than anywhere else. In addition, we can avoid dealing with the rising costs of gasoline, which I fear may upset Alex at some point. A few years ago when gas prices were high, he would have a fit every time we passed a gas station and he saw how expensive gasoline was at the time. Expressing his frustration, he would either throw anything loose he could reach from the backseat (snow scrapers, his sunglasses, books, etc.) at the windshield, or he would slap one of us in the front seat to make his displeasure known. During this time, Ed and I mastered driving places while avoiding any gas stations to prevent provoking the wrath of our backseat driver. Before we went anyplace, we would plot routes ahead of time to make certain Alex would never see the high cost of gasoline, and we learned to take several scenic routes to avoid the dreaded gas stations. Thankfully, gas prices went down, and Alex got over that obsession, but we worry that behavior might return, should he be agitated by rising costs again. Of course, this problem makes travel with Alex difficult, if not impossible.

Fortunately, Alex has simple tastes, finding joy and adventure in everyday experiences that most people take for granted or even find annoying. To begin our spring break, we spontaneously decided the other afternoon to go shopping at Walmart, his favorite place, with my mom. Although most teenage boys would rather be caught dead than shopping at Walmart with their mothers and grandmothers, Alex had a high old time pushing the cart for us, and he patiently listened as we discussed the merits of various toilet bowl cleaners and which flavors of sugar-free Jello tasted best. After we were done with our shopping, we took him to his current favorite section of the store, office supplies, where he happily looked at calculators and label makers, never touching anything, just tilting his head to see their various features. (His previous favorite section of the store was pet food, where he searched for the big bags of dog food and wanted to see the ones that contained the most pounds of food.) With a bemused smile, he waited calmly in the checkout line as the woman in front of us had difficulty using her credit card. Since he had been so pleasant, we decided to take him to an even-bigger array of office supplies at Staples, where he was pleased to view a large display of one of his favorite things, calendars. Again, he never touched anything in the store, just walked along and browsed contentedly. To reward him for his good shopping behavior, we took him to one of his favorite restaurants, a 1950’s style diner that plays golden oldies he enjoys. Sitting in a corner booth we call the Bob Dylan booth because Dylan’s Nashville Skyline album hangs on the wall above it, Alex always smiles as the pictured Bob tips his hat to him as if in greeting. Downing three large Sprites, Alex grinned as he listened to our animated conversation, never interrupting once. Certainly others probably have more exotic experiences during their spring breaks, but I doubt they enjoyed themselves any more than the three generations of us did on that cold, sunny afternoon in Indiana, running around doing mundane things. After all, life is about whom you’re with, not where you are, and Alex has learned that truth early and appreciates those experiences, never feeling that he is somehow missing out on other adventures in life. His contentment brings joy to those around him and makes us feel proud to have raised such a wise young man.

“Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have.” Ecclesiastes 6:9