New Tips for a New Year

When I find things that are helpful, I like to share this information with others, hoping that they, like me, can benefit. Whether these tips are good recipes, clever ways to do tasks, or useful gadgets, I’m always on the lookout for ways to make life easier and better. As the new year begins, I would like to share three good tips I’ve recently discovered that may be of use to others, as well.

First, I’ve adapted a recipe for a dessert that has become Alex’s favorite. Because he is on a gluten-free and dairy-free diet, typically I have to make desserts from scratch for him. Also, his current preference for foods that are cool and smooth means that I must consider the texture of the dessert carefully. When he requested some type of pumpkin dessert for Thanksgiving, I started looking online for recipes that might satisfy his restrictive dietary and sensory concerns. After some searching and making a few changes, I hit upon a light and fluffy dessert on the Taste of Home website Alex absolutely loves, rewarding my efforts.

To make pumpkin pudding whip, add ¾ cup of non-dairy milk (I use So Delicious vanilla coconut milk.) to a 3.4 oz. package of Jello instant vanilla pudding and use an electric mixer to combine for one minute on medium speed. Next, add one half of a 15 oz. can of pure pumpkin and ½ teaspoon McCormick pumpkin pie spice and mix together. Then add one half of a 9 oz. container of frozen nondairy whipped topping that has thawed in the refrigerator (I use So Delicious dairy-free Coco Whip coconut whipped topping.) and combine with the other ingredients and refrigerate. This recipe can easily be doubled, too. If dairy is not a dietary issue, use 1½ cups regular milk and 1½ cups of Cool Whip topping instead. (Nondairy milk is more watery, so less is required to make the proper texture.) I appreciate how quick and easy this dessert is to make, and the taste and texture are perfect for Alex, who has eaten pumpkin pudding whip every evening for dessert since Thanksgiving.

Another tip I’d like to share is how to address cards to families who have adult children with autism living at home with them. (For that matter, this would be true if the adult children living at home did not have autism.) When we received Christmas cards this year, I was a bit surprised and a little hurt when some cards were addressed only to Ed and me, even though I feel certain that the senders knew Alex still lives at home with us. If someone were not sure whether an adult child were still living in the family home, cards could be simply addressed to the last name (e.g. "The Byrnes") or to the family (e.g. "The Byrne Family"). This would be appropriate even if adult children were no longer living at home.

Two relatives came up with quite clever ways to include Alex in a special way. My cousin sent Alex his own Christmas card separately, which made him feel especially grown-up. In addition, knowing that he is interested in weather, she added a note about the current temperature in her town. We liked the special touch she gave in acknowledging Alex and remembering his fondness for numbers and meteorology. Our nephew’s wife was also very clever in addressing our family Christmas card to “Alex Byrne and Family.” By making him the center of the family, which he is, he felt quite special to have the card specifically addressed to him. Again, we appreciated such thoughtfulness in remembering him at Christmastime.

Finally, I recently found a useful gadget that could prove very helpful in an emergency situation. Since Alex and I enjoy watching television shows about fire stations and hospitals, I began thinking about what might happen if we were ever in an automobile accident. I remembered seeing a label that could be attached to the seat belt as a way of identifying the passenger as having autism. This way, first responders would know why the passenger may be behaving in an untypical way. A Google search took me to the spot where I had seen these seat belt labels, the National Autism Association's Little Shop of Hope. [To access this online store, please click here.]

Known as a Help Belt-Safety Alert Seat Belt Cover, this bright red fabric label wraps around any seatbelt and snaps in the back. On the front is written the following information: “PERSON WITH AUTISM/May Not Respond to Verbal Commands/Open for Info.” Inside the label is a plastic pouch containing a pre-printed form that can be filled out to detail information regarding the person’s name, address, phone number, emergency contact information, and medical information, such as medications. This would be extremely helpful in an emergency situation to have this information readily available.

In addition, these useful safety devices are quite reasonably priced at $8.00 each plus $1.50 for shipping and handling. For less than twenty dollars, I ordered one for each of our cars and was pleased that they arrived in less than a week. After filling out the information sheets and placing them in the secure plastic pouches, I attached one to the front passenger seat of my car and the other to the back seat of Ed’s car, where Alex rides. If Alex were going someplace with my parents or his caregiver, we could easily detach the label from one of our cars and temporarily transfer it to another car. While I hope no one ever needs to use this safety alert device, I feel better knowing that this information is handy in the event of an emergency.

Although desserts and addressing cards and seat belt labels may seem trivial on the surface, discovering potential ways to make Alex’s life better always makes my life better, too. Perhaps passing along the things we’ve learned through our journey with autism may improve other families' lives, as well. The teacher in me certainly hopes so.

“Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.” Psalm 143:10

Spiritual Gifts

A little over a week ago, I was having routine annual tests run at the lab where we also take Alex for his blood tests. While one lab technician was drawing my blood, another saw me from across the room and happily exclaimed, “It’s Alex’s mom!” Surprised that she recognized me with all the patients she sees and without Alex in tow, I was pleased that she remembered Alex and me. She went on to tell me that she missed him because she hadn’t seen him in a while, which I told her was a good thing because it meant he has been healthy. However, I explained that he would be coming in soon for his regular six-month blood tests, and she earnestly said that she hoped she would get to see him then. After asking if he was enjoying watching baseball on television this summer, remembering his devotion to the Chicago Cubs, she enthusiastically remarked, “He’s always so good! He’s my favorite patient!”

While her kind remarks about Alex made my day, filling me with motherly pride and endearing her to me for her sweetness, this wasn’t the first time she’s heartily praised him. Every time she has done his blood tests, she always shows her delight in seeing him, which is probably why he looks forward to having blood draws. Two of the other lab technicians have also proclaimed Alex as their favorite patient and seem to remember him fondly whenever they see him.  Of course, we are pleased that Alex cooperates fully with the tests and is pleasant and polite to the lab technicians. However, I think their warmth toward him goes beyond their kindness and his willingness to follow directions.

A few days later, I took Alex to Burger King, where two of the ladies who work there are especially friendly and call him by name. No matter what they are doing, they will rush over to greet him, ask him how he is doing, and make him feel welcome. Although I’m sure they recognize that he has autism, they never treat him condescendingly, and they patiently wait for him to give his order. As they say hello to him, take his hand, and tell him they’ve missed him, Alex smiles broadly, tells them, “Nice to see you,” and leans forward, putting his hands between his knees as his entire body shudders with joy. While they are friendly to all customers, these sweet ladies make Alex feel special, and I suspect he makes them feel just as special.

Sometimes I wonder what Alex’s vocation would be, had autism not affected his life so profoundly. While his cousins are pursuing college and careers and getting married and having children, Alex remains in a child-like existence. Beyond pondering what occupation Alex might have chosen, I wonder what calling he might have felt to serve others, had his language and social skills not been impaired. Perhaps those limitations are less important, however, than the spiritual gifts God provides. In Romans 12:6, the Apostle Paul notes, “In His grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well.” He goes on to list various gifts, such as prophesy, teaching, encouraging and serving others, giving, and leadership. In re-reading this scripture, the last line made me recognize Alex’s gift: “And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.”

Certainly, I believe that good people treat Alex kindly, perhaps because of or even in spite of how autism affects him. However, the more I watch people interact with him––whether it be his therapists who appreciate the smart, funny, and sweet young man he is and feel pleased to have witnessed the progress he’s made over the years, or those whose brief contact with him leaves a lasting positive impression––I see that Alex’s kind heart cannot be hidden by autism. Moreover, he doesn’t feel the need to conceal his joy when others are kind to him; his smile and happy shudder let people know how glad he is to see them, which has to make them feel pleased, too. If there were any doubt as to how much those people mean to Alex, their importance would be confirmed in knowing that he asks God to bless them every night in his bedtime prayers. I have to believe that God hears those earnest prayers from His child whom He graced with a gift for kindness.

Although I don’t know exactly what the future holds for Alex, I do know that God has good plans for him. More importantly, Alex trusts with unwavering faith that God has a plan for his life. Until those plans are revealed, we wait with hope and anticipation, and we are thankful for the people God places in Alex’s life who see the good in him and allow him to share his kindness and joy, giving his life a valuable purpose and meaning.

“The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.” Psalm 28:7

"Sitting on a Rainbow"

 

“Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.” ––“Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Yip Harburg

One of the most upbeat and heartwarming stories in the news this past week focused upon the kindness shown to a middle school boy with autism. [To read an online news account of this story, please click here.] Florida State University football player Travis Rudolph was visiting Montford Middle School in Tallahassee, Florida, on Tuesday with four teammates. At lunchtime, he noticed a student sitting all by himself. This boy, Bo Paske, has autism and usually sits alone during lunch.

Travis Rudolph walked over to the boy and asked if he could sit with him, and the two of them struck up a conversation about football. Someone captured a picture of this special moment depicting the kindness of a young man toward a middle school boy with autism, and this photo has gone viral around the Internet.

Although Bo’s mother posted on Facebook that her son usually eats lunch alone at school, it doesn’t seem to bother him. However, she was understandably touched by the kindness of Travis Rudolph. She wrote, “I’m not sure what exactly made this incredibly kind man share a lunch table with my son, but I’m happy to say that it will not soon be forgotten.”

On Thursday, Bo’s mother, Leah, had the opportunity to meet Travis Rudolph on the television show Fox and Friends and to express her gratitude. Bo was also able to share his enthusiasm about the experience, telling about how Travis had lunch with him and even signed his lunchbox. However, this story just gets better. Bo happily described the experience: “It was kind of like me sitting on a rainbow.” Certainly, that compliment had to make Travis’ day, just as he had made Bo’s day special by choosing to eat lunch with him so that he didn’t have to sit alone that day.

Having taught middle school for more than thirty years, I know how difficult social interactions are for all kids at that age. Add in the impaired social skills often found in autism, and kids like Bo Paske wind up sitting by themselves. However, we need to teach people how to be comfortable with and compassionate to those who are different. One of the nicest compliments I have ever received came last year from one of my nicest honors students, who wrote me in a letter that I had taught her: “Just because people are different doesn’t mean that they should be treated that way. Everyone deserves kindness.” However, I must give the credit to Alex, who taught me how to be comfortable with people who are different, an important lesson I now share with my students.

People probably have no idea how much those kind acts mean to kids with autism, who may even seem oblivious to their attempts to be nice. Fortunately, I have had the opportunity to witness how Alex reacts to people being kind to him and know that he definitely notices even seemingly simple acts. For example, Alex’s behavioral therapist and I take him to Burger King nearly every Friday afternoon for recreational therapy so that he can practice ordering his own food, using manners, carrying his tray, and eating in a restaurant. Once Alex became a regular customer, the cashier, Cassie, and the manager, Tammy, took a special interest in him, and now the three of them are on a friendly first-name basis. Alex lights up with a big smile when he sees these ladies and says hello to them, and they seem equally pleased to see and greet him. In fact, the other day, the cashier told me that she and the manager tease each other about whom Alex likes best, based upon the smile he flashes at them. Then she commented on how sweet he is, which, of course, made my day.

As Alex’s mom, I feel affection and gratitude toward those people who see past the autism-induced awkwardness to the pure and sweet heart of my son. In addition to the broad smile he gives them, I also see him shudder with delight that someone knows his name and acts happy to see him. Moreover, I know that these kindhearted people hold a special place in Alex’s heart because he asks God to bless them specifically in his nightly bedtime prayers.

Kind souls like Travis Rudolph and Cassie and Tammy, who see past the differences in our kids with autism and make the effort to make our children with autism feel welcome, are a blessing. Simply acknowledging the presence of our kids with autism means more than they know to these special kids and their parents. Furthermore, that kindness will be richly rewarded in unexpected ways. After all, what could be better than to be responsible for making a child feel like he was “sitting on a rainbow” or to be included in the heartfelt prayers of a young man asking for God to bless those who matter most to him?

“Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it!” Hebrews 13:2

Thoughtful Acts of Kindness

 

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” ––Anne Frank

For several years we hesitated to take Alex places because his behavior was unpredictable, and we feared that he might become overwhelmed in a public place. While our first concern was avoiding upsetting him, we also didn’t know how others might respond to his behavior, and we tried to avoid uncomfortable situations. Even as he has improved over time, we feel a need to protect him from people who may intentionally or unintentionally not take kindly to his impaired communication and social skills. However, as we have recently begun taking him out to public places more often, we have been gratified to see how kind people truly are to Alex.

On Friday evening, we took Alex to a Valparaiso University men’s basketball game, which was very crowded and loud. Despite all the people, noise, and activity, Alex thoroughly enjoyed himself. At one point, the cheerleaders tossed mini-basketballs with VU logos on them into the crowd, but we were unable to catch one for Alex. Later, a pretty college girl who had apparently been sitting closer to the court earlier in the game came up to sit with her friends in front of us. She smiled at Alex, held out the mini-basketball she had been able to catch, and asked, “Would you like to have this?” Delighted, Alex took the basketball from her hand, smiled at her, and thanked her.

What she didn’t know after she turned around was that Alex held that little basketball the entire game and kept smiling at her. The next day he was worried that he had lost that small gift, and he was relieved and happy that I remembered where he had put it for safekeeping. What she didn’t know was that not only did she make a young man with autism happy by giving him a small token, but she also endeared herself to his parents with her kindness to their son. That pretty young woman became even more beautiful in our eyes because of her kind heart and generous spirit.

Last evening, we took Alex to our favorite family restaurant, Round the Clock in the nearby town of Chesterton. The atmosphere is quite relaxing, and the food and service are always excellent. Moreover, we have been impressed with how warm and friendly the staff members are to Alex. One young lady, Kayla, has waited on us several times, and she also works as a hostess there on weekends. Whenever she sees Alex, she greets him warmly by name, asks him questions, and patiently waits for him to answer. Last night, as she greeted us and showed us to our table, she once again engaged Alex in friendly conversation, and when we left, she made a special point to say goodbye to him.

What Kayla doesn’t know is that Alex is always happy to see her, even when he doesn’t look up at her. She may not see his shudder of joy when she smiles and calls him by name, but his mother sees it all. She may think that she’s just doing her job to be friendly to customers, but we know that she makes the special effort to make Alex feel welcome because she patiently waits for him to acknowledge her, never rushing him, even when she is busy. Moreover, she treats Alex like an old friend, and for this his parents are thankful.

Later in the evening, we took Alex to the middle school where I teach for a Mardi Gras celebration, filled with carnival games, loud music, and hundreds of excited middle school kids. Like the basketball game the night before, Alex thoroughly enjoyed himself in the midst of all the chaos. As we entered the gym, my friend and colleague Debbie, who has always taken a special interest in Alex and shown him kindness, greeted Alex warmly, gave him Mardi Gras bead necklaces (which he promptly put around his neck without any prompting), and handed him three tokens,  explaining that he was to use them to vote for his favorite games. Before we entered the crowded, noisy atmosphere, Debbie’s reassuring demeanor prepared Alex for the activities ahead. Although she would likely dismiss her kindness toward Alex as no big deal and assure us that she was pleased he could be part of Mardi Gras, Alex was happy to see a friendly face in the crowd, and we were grateful that she made him feel comfortable.

As we walked around the gym, I looked for games that I thought Alex could play so that he could be part of the celebration. Seeing a game with big dice being run by one of my former students, I asked him if he would like to play that one. While I knew my former student was a nice young lady, she showed exceptional kindness to Alex as she patiently explained how the game worked. As he tossed plastic peppers into a sombrero, she earnestly cheered for him and encouraged him to stand closer, trying to help him win a prize. After the game was over, she sweetly told him, “Thanks for playing.” What she didn’t know was that he walked away with a grin on his face, pleased that he could participate in one of the games because she had helped him understand the rules. What she also didn’t know was that her former teacher will not only remember her always as an excellent student but also as a wonderful person who was kind to her son.

Spotting a game that was similar to his favorite game on The Price is Right, Plinko, I suggested that he try that one. In addition to the game itself being familiar to him, I was also reassured because the student running the game is one of my nicest students this year. She sweetly explained to Alex how the game worked and allowed him to have a second chance when the golf ball didn’t run down the Plinko board as it was supposed to do. When Alex’s ball landed on the winning spot, she cheered for him, even though it meant that he could throw a pie in her face. Knowing that Alex was not comfortable doing this, I explained to her that she didn’t have to do that, but she put the pie in her own face as a good sport. Smiling at Alex with whipped cream on her face, what she didn’t know was that he found the whole thing amusing. What she also didn’t know was that she has now found a special place in her English teacher’s heart because she took the time to help and understand Alex.

In an age where people often respond to expressions of thanks with “No big deal” or “No problem,” those who are kind to Alex should know that it is a big deal to us, and we see the extra effort, even if they assure us it was not a problem for them. Little things truly mean a lot to Alex, even if he can’t always express the gratitude he feels, often because he is overwhelmed by the kind acts. Moreover, as his parents, we always appreciate those who take them time to engage Alex, to speak to him in a way that is never condescending or patronizing, and to make him feel part of a community. In doing so, he has opportunities to practice his social skills, to enjoy interacting with others, and most of all, learning how to be kind to others because they have been kind to him. What may seem like a small act, indeed, has greater impact than people may ever know. However, we notice those who treat Alex with kindness, and we feel blessed.

“…And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.” Romans 12:8

Filling a Need

 

Some people get it. When they do, we realize that God has put them in our path to fill a need; their presence in our lives is no coincidence. Finding the right professionals to work with our children who have autism is an important task we autism parents face. Over the years, we have been fortunate to find some outstanding individuals to work with Alex while others have been less impressive. At times we have stayed with some professionals longer than we probably should have, not ready to make a change. Sometimes God has to push me out of my comfort zone with both hands so that I know that it’s time to do something new. That happened last fall, and my full understanding of the need for change was clearly reinforced this past week.

Last August, when we took Alex to the pediatric dentist he had been seeing for nearly ten years, we were told that his upper twelve-year molars were badly decayed and would need to be removed. This came as a shock to us because his teeth had been fine when we had taken him six months earlier for a check-up. What was even more frustrating was that we were told this could wait unless the pain became so severe it kept Alex awake at night, which struck us as negligent. In addition, the dentist left this rather important news to a hygienist to relay to me instead of talking to me himself. This was the same dentist who had condescendingly dismissed me repeatedly anytime I had asked about Alex’s wisdom teeth, telling me that we weren’t going to worry about them.

Unsatisfied with the information they had given, I decided to make an appointment with my family dentist, whose judgment and skill I completely trust. He wisely had a panoramic x-ray taken of Alex’s teeth, which revealed that his wisdom teeth were badly impacted and likely damaging the roots of his twelve-year molars, which probably accounted for their decay. He recommended removing the twelve-year molars and the wisdom teeth at the same time and referred us to an experienced oral surgeon. As I explained in my November 9, 2014, blog entry “Healing,” Alex came through the surgery to remove his molars and wisdom teeth­­––as well as the recovery afterward––amazingly well, and we were thankful to have this procedure done by such a skillful doctor.

After this experience, I began to question the pediatric dentist’s decision to ignore my concerns as a parent regarding Alex’s wisdom teeth. Perhaps if he had taken my questions more seriously, Alex would not have lost his twelve-year molars due to the damage by the wisdom teeth. Moreover, I was not happy with his dismissive attitude toward me and insistence that any dental procedures done on Alex be performed under general anesthesia, which carries its own risks. Consequently, I decided it was time for a change. For his next regular dental appointment in February, we took Alex back to our family dentist. Encouraged by the kindness and compassion shown by both the hygienist and the dentist, Alex complied beautifully with having his teeth cleaned and checked, and we felt this was a sign we had made the right decision to change dentists.

When we took him again a few weeks ago for his six-month appointment to have his teeth cleaned and checked, we were pleased that Alex was quite calm and comfortable at the new dentist’s office while they worked on his teeth. However, we were a little disappointed to discover that he had a small cavity. Nonetheless, our dentist felt confident that Alex could handle having the cavity filled because he had been so good during the cleaning and check-up appointments. In addition, we were able to schedule an appointment to have the tooth filled the next day, which meant that we could get this procedure done before I had to go back to school the following week. Or so we thought.

The next day, the appointment began with putting numbing cream on a cotton roll as preparation for the numbing shots. As the numb began to spread through Alex’s mouth, he started to panic at the strange sensation he’d never felt before. (When he’d had his first two cavities filled two years earlier, he had been under general anesthesia instead of a local anesthesia.) He also wasn’t very happy about having the wad of cotton under his upper lip and complained that he had a fat lip. Although he never really escalated, he was anxious and kept grabbing my hands, seeking reassurance. Even though we tried explaining to him that this was temporary and that his lip wasn’t really fat, he was still unnerved (pun intended) by the situation.

Fortunately, our compassionate dentist understood Alex’s anxiety and offered an excellent idea. He gave us a tube of numbing cream and long handled cotton swabs to practice at home with Alex so that he could get used to the sensation of numbness and realize that the feeling does wear off in time. Additionally, he reassured us that Alex’s tooth could wait a few weeks without worrying about further damage, so we could reschedule the appointment when we felt Alex was ready to handle it. Most importantly, he emphasized to us that he didn’t want Alex to be scared, and he didn’t act a bit inconvenienced that Alex wasn’t up to having his tooth filled that day.

After practicing with the numbing cream at home, Alex became comfortable with the sensation of having his mouth numb, and I went ahead and made another appointment to have his tooth filled. Truthfully, I had a lot of trepidation about whether he could handle the numbing shots, the drill, and everything else involved in repairing the tooth. Nonetheless, we prayed that he would not get upset and put our trust in God and our dentist that everything would be okay.

Last Thursday, I scheduled a noon appointment: after lunch, between The Price Is Right and Jeopardy!, and at a time when he is usually fairly mellow. The dental assistant took us back to a large private room where Ed and I could also stay with him comfortably and where they could close the door so that he wouldn’t hear noises from the other procedure rooms. After turning on the television to a baseball game that provided a welcome distraction, our dentist and his assistant compassionately and calmly took care of Alex’s tooth, preparing him for every step of the process by explaining what would happen and praising him for being so cooperative. Thankfully, Alex was remarkably calm and didn’t seem bothered a bit by anything they did to his mouth. He appeared completely comfortable and relaxed the entire time he was in the dentist’s chair, which was a blessing. The dentist did everything possible to reassure Alex, and Alex trusted him completely.

In fact, things went so well that with our approval, the dentist also sealed another tooth to prevent decay since Alex was already numb, and the assistant smoothed a tooth that had been chipped a while ago so that it would not bother his lip and would look better. Not only did Alex sail through the planned procedure, but he also handled the extras added at the last minute quite well. Of course, Ed and I were extremely relieved that things went smoothly, and we were especially proud that Alex handled perfectly a new situation that many people find difficult. We also truly appreciated the understanding and wisdom of our dentist, who knew what Alex needed to feel safe and comfortable and waited until he was ready.

Consequently, we know that God has led us to change dentists to one who can provide what Alex needs. We need someone whom we can trust to take care of Alex and not only make him feel comfortable in a new situation but also provided a good first experience that will make him not afraid to face similar situations in the future. As Alex now ends his nightly prayers, “God bless Dr. Lyzak.”

“He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” Job 8:21

Little Things Mean a Lot

 

My school year ended on Friday with a teachers’ work day in which we completed our paperwork for the year and packed up our classrooms for the summer. Like our students, we also spent time socializing to make the work more pleasant. As I was visiting with my friend and colleague Melissa, our friend and colleague Justin stopped by to ask where the old textbooks should be taken for recycling. Knowing that Alex would love to have an old science textbook to read, I asked Justin if he could put one aside for Alex. He assured me that he would, and then Melissa asked if Alex would also like to have an old geography textbook, which I knew he’d be happy to have. As I was getting the geography book, Justin returned with not one but four old science textbooks in excellent condition. My friends’ thoughtfulness not only delighted Alex, who was thrilled to have new books to read for the summer, but their kindness also blessed me in that they were doing something nice for my son. While both of them shrugged it off as no big deal, this small gesture meant a great deal to Alex and to me. Indeed, as the old saying goes, “Little things mean a lot.”

Later that day, I received a Facebook invitation from an autism mom friend to a page called “Cards for Trent.” Thanks to Facebook, many autism parents in our area have been able to get to know each other and share information. In this instance, a family friend had made a request that people send graduation cards to a young man with autism. As she explained, Trent has never had a birthday party and will not be having a graduation party and he never asks for much. She went on to say, “He doesn’t have any friends which is ok with him. He loves receiving mail and checks his mailbox everyday hoping there is something in there for him.” With this in mind, she requested that people send him cards congratulating him on his graduation from high school because it would “help bring him some happiness.”

After reading this heartfelt request, I was deeply touched because, like Trent, Alex and other young adults with autism often lack the social skills needed to have friends. Fortunately, Alex doesn’t really seem to notice because he considers our family, my friends who have been kind to him, and his therapists to be his friends. For him, that’s enough. However, knowing how much small acts of kindness mean to Alex, I copied down Trent’s address and sent him a graduation card the next day. That day, his family posted a picture on Facebook of his sister holding a big stack of cards they had received, and I’m sure they were grateful for the kindness of people who had reached out to their son. I hope that these cards make their son as happy as Alex is when he receives cards in the mail. In this age of convenient e-mail and text messages, we sometimes forget that sending a card in the mail can mean much more. For example, every year my dear friend Sharon always sends Alex a birthday card in which she writes a personal message to him and signs it, “Your friend, Sharon.” Alex looks forward to receiving his card from Sharon every year, and he often carries it around the house with him. Little things mean a lot.

A quick Google search of ways to help parents of children with autism will bring up links to lists of suggestions of what to do, what not to do, what to say, and what not to say. For those who want to help but are unsure of how their offers might be accepted, I would suggest this: send the child/adult with autism a card in the mail to let them know you are thinking of them, especially for a milestone—birthday, graduation, holiday, etc. We have been blessed that Alex has various people who remember him with cards: my parents who send him cards for each holiday along with some spending money, my sister who makes special mathematically themed cards for him, Alex’s Aunt Pat who sends cards for holidays and includes gluten-free and dairy-free treats, Alex’s Aunt Babs who sends him postcards from the places she’s traveled, and other family and friends who reach out to him in thoughtful ways. Even though Alex lacks the language skills to express his appreciation, I see how his eyes twinkle and his smile spreads across his face when he realizes that someone cared enough to send him a little something to brighten his day. As his mother, those acts of kindness bless me, as well.

Last week, we were at the grocery store looking at a display of the Coke bottles that say, “Share a Coke with” followed by a variety of first names. Alex enjoyed looking through these bottles and grinned whenever he recognized the names of family, people who work with him, and family friends.  Although he doesn’t express affection easily, these people mean a great deal to him. I know this because he names all of them in his prayers he recites with me every night before he goes to sleep. The next day, he asked me if there were any bottles that said, “Share a Coke with God.” I told him I didn’t think so, but I thought that was a really good idea. Whenever I feel wistful that Alex doesn’t have friends like most people his age, I remember that Alex doesn’t feel that way. He knows that God is his best friend, and he cherishes those who have been kind to him, even in small ways that would seem rather insignificant to most people. Somehow I think God would enjoy sharing a Coke with Alex, who sees the good in people and shows his appreciation by asking God to bless them every night. What more could anyone want in a friend?

“If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.” Romans 12:8

Acts of Kindness

 

In March, I wrote a blog entry entitled “Should Autism Be Neither Seen Nor Heard?” describing incidents reported in the media where children with autism and their parents had been treated badly in public places because of the children’s behavior. Fortunately, we have not had to face scorn in public, partly because Alex likes going places and generally behaves well when he is out and mainly because Ed and I make certain that his behavior never disturbs others. Keeping Alex close at hand, watching for cues that he’s becoming overwhelmed, knowing where all exits are located, and moving rapidly to remove him from others’ view should he become agitated, we never want him to bother other people. Nonetheless, we would hope that other people would be patient, tolerant, and understanding should he have a sudden meltdown, knowing that he really can’t help his behavior when anxiety overtakes him. Moreover, we would do everything in our power to calm him and remove him from the situation so that he wouldn’t be disruptive to other people.

To avoid ever having a public incident, parents whose children have autism would have to stay home all the time, which would not be conducive for their learning social skills and proper behavior in public. While taking these children places may involve some risk, we won’t know if our kids can handle situations until we test them. What has been a pleasant surprise for Ed and me is that not only have we found people who are tolerant of Alex’s differences but are also genuinely kind and willing to be especially thoughtful in their dealings with him.

Last week, we took Alex to the doctor because he has another outbreak of thrush, or yeast overgrowth in his mouth. We have only been seeing this doctor a few months, but we have been especially impressed with how kind he and his staff are to Alex and us. Knowing that Alex is fascinated with numbers and vital statistics, the nurse always tells Alex his weight, temperature, blood pressure, and pulse and tells him what they were the last time he was there. In addition, she makes certain to show him the monitor screen for the electronic blood pressure cuff so that he can watch the numbers change as it registers. While that gesture may seem small, it means a great deal to Alex, and even more to us as parents who appreciate someone making Alex happy. Similarly, the doctor has such a wonderful bedside manner with Alex, explaining everything to him as he exams him and speaking to him in a gentle yet never condescending manner. Not surprisingly, Alex actually looks forward to going to the doctor because they have made appointments such a pleasant experience for him.

Yesterday we took Alex to a Celebration of Wildlife at a nearby county park. Every weekend we try to find outings for him as a way for him to get out of the house, be around other people, and learn new things. The main attraction at this event was a large tent with several animal displays from veterinarians, animal rescue groups, and a zoo. The highlight for Alex was seeing turtles and tortoises, which are among his favorite animals. At one exhibit, he was intently observing a turtle when a young woman asked him if he would like to touch the turtle. His eyes lit up, and he shyly told her yes. She picked up the turtle, assured him it was very nice, and encouraged him to touch its shell. He was pleased to have this opportunity, and we were impressed by how sweetly this young woman spoke to Alex and allowed him to have a special hands-on experience. After that, she offered to let him pet a lizard from the display, also assuring him that the animal was nice, nothing to be feared. As she gently encouraged Alex, he also touched the tail of the lizard, which he found interesting. While Alex was impressed with the animals, I was impressed with how naturally she interacted with him and appreciated how kind she was to make his experience at the exhibit more special. A few minutes later at another exhibit, an older gentleman observed Alex happily watching small alligators swimming in a wading pool at his display and offered to let Alex touch one of them if he would like. When Alex indicated that he wanted to touch the alligator (which had its mouth duct taped shut so that it couldn’t bite), the man kindly reached into the pond to get the alligator and hold it for Alex to see and touch. Noticing that Ed had a camera, the man also offered to let Alex take a picture with the alligator, which was a thoughtful gesture. Like the young woman, he was friendly and encouraging with Alex, but he did so in a way that was genuinely kind, a seemingly effortless gesture to make Alex happy.

Whenever people are kind to Alex, they endear themselves to Ed and me and reaffirm a faith that the majority of people are good. While not everyone may realize that he has autism, I’m sure that most people realize that Alex is different from observing him a few minutes. When people are willing to look past his differences and reach out to him with genuine kindness, I hope they feel the joy they bring him and the gratitude Ed and I feel for their efforts. Of course, Ed and I make certain that they know how much we appreciate their kindness by having Alex thank them for their gestures and always expressing our gratitude to them, as well. While their actions bless us, I hope that their interactions with Alex bless them, too, so that they might bless other children like him. I’m reminded of a line from Israel Horowitz’s play I teach my seventh grade students that is an adaptation of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol: “An act of kindness is like the first green grape of summer: one leads to another and another and another.” Moreover, I hope that Alex not only appreciates the kindness of others but truly learns from their examples so that he can show others kindness, too.

“We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love.” II Corinthians 6:6