As COVID-19 has recently become a global pandemic, people
around the world have faced fear and uncertainty as well as a loss of freedom
because sheltering in place has become necessary to stop the spread of the
virus. Although the concept of staying home is daunting for many, I have had to
shelter in place before and can assure those who are experiencing this for the
first time that one can be content while homebound. As the Apostle
Paul states in Philippians 4:11, “…for I have learned to be content whatever
the circumstances.”
When I was pregnant with Alex, I was diagnosed with a rare
autoimmune disorder, chronic immune thrombocytopenia purpura, or ITP, in which
my immune system mistakenly destroyed healthy blood platelets responsible for
clotting, putting me at risk for hemorrhaging. Normal platelet count is between
150,000-450,000; my typical platelet count at the time was about 100,000.
Shortly before Alex was born, I caught a bad cold, causing my immune system to
overreact, and my platelets dropped dangerously low to 2,000. My obstetrician,
who never minced words, warned me, “You could hemorrhage into the placenta and
kill both you and the baby!” After being hospitalized for a few days and
treatment with intravenous gamma globulin, my platelets returned to a safer
range. However, I was to be essentially confined to home for the next few
months, taking care of a newborn baby and not risking getting sick and having
my platelets drop. Fortunately, by avoiding other people’s germs, I never had
another ITP crisis, and thankful to be alive, I was fine with being safely
ensconced at home.
Later I would realize that situation properly prepared me to
be the mother of a child with autism. At various times, we have had to shelter
in place with Alex because his unpredictable behaviors made going out in public
too difficult for us, or his sensory issues and anxiety made leaving the house
too difficult for him. Rather than complaining about the restrictions autism
has imposed on our family life, we have accepted what is. Thankfully, the three
of us enjoy being at home, reading books, listening to music, watching
television, surfing the internet, and spending time together in our peaceful
existence. Sheltering in place has frequently become a way of life for us.
Yesterday, an autism dad shared an interesting online
article written by mental health counselor Rose Reif and titled, “4 reasons why
special needs parents are better equipped than everyone else to handle
Coronavirus stress.” [To read this article, please click here.] Although one
would think that parents with special needs children would find the extra
stress caused by the pandemic daunting, she explains how life has prepared
these parents to cope even in extreme circumstances. Specifically, she notes
four qualities that make special needs parents stronger––traits that others can
learn and use to get through this current crisis.
First, she states that special needs parents are adept at
“tolerating ambiguity,” that is, accepting uncertainty, such as not knowing how
long this pandemic will last or what will happen. As she notes, “…for special
needs parents, this is not the first time that life hasn’t looked how they
expected it to look.” Moreover, she explains that special needs parents have
learned to accept and adapt to change quickly out of necessity, knowing that
there are “no guarantees” in life. When I am tempted to fear the future, I
remember the wisdom of my son, who often prophetically says, “Wait and see.”
Another trait that makes special needs parents resilient
according to this article is that they are “focusing on what they can control
(and only on what they can control).” While we can’t control what others say or
do, we can control what we say and do as well as determining our attitudes.
Life with a special needs child can feel out of control, but we take control by
our response, especially in a crisis setting. Alex’s behavioral therapist has
taught him a variety of mantras to recite when he feels anxious so that he can
feel a sense of control. His favorite is “Everything will be all right.” I do
the same thing with Bible verses, most often Philippians 4:13, “I can do all
things through Christ who strengthens me.” More importantly, we know that God
is in control, which gives us even greater comfort than thinking we are in
control.
A third quality noted in the article that special needs
parents possess is “knowing when to accept ‘good enough.’” Through experience,
special needs parents have learned that they cannot do everything they
should/need/want to do, so they have learned to accept their limits and
prioritize where to focus their energies. As Ms. Reif states, “These special
needs parents recognize that good enough may actually be perfect right now.” As
a perfectionist, this was a hard lesson for me to learn, but placing
unreasonable expectations upon myself brings anxiety and discontent. Good
enough is good enough, at least that's what I keep telling myself.
Finally, the article explains that special needs parents
have an “understanding that social distancing is not the same as emotional
distancing.” Specifically, parents of special needs children “know intimately
the pain of feeling isolated” because they have often had to miss family
gatherings or social events, due to their child’s unique needs. However, Ms.
Reif observes that this isolation has made them empathetic to the feelings of
those who are currently struggling with social distancing. She notes of special
needs parents: “They are reaching out, maintaining connection, and validating
how hard it really is to feel alone in your struggle and fear.” Thankfully,
modern technology allows us to connect via phone, email, and social media so
that we can feel less isolated from people we care about.
As we look ahead in these days of uncertainty, when life
feels out of control and we struggle to accept that we are doing enough, we
need to connect with others so that we don’t feel alone. Although special needs
parents have learned these lessons the hard way, perhaps others can benefit
from our experience. As the Apostle Paul reminds us to follow God’s example in
II Corinthians 1:4, “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort
others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort
God has given us.” Here’s a comforting thought: You’ve got this because God’s
got this. Or, as Alex would say, “Wait and see. Everything will be all right.”
“For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his
dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high
upon a rock.” Psalm 27:5