Sunday, August 20, 2017

More Than a Mom


After thirty-three years of teaching middle school English, I officially retired last Tuesday. One of the perks of being retired is being able to have breakfast every week with a wonderful group of other retired teachers from my school. As one of the group arrived late, he explained that he had to drive his grandkids to school because his daughter and son-in-law had to be at work early, and he offered to chauffeur their children. He remarked that no one prepares us for how parenthood really is. Noting that television portrays retired people as being in their golden years and enjoying freedom, he commented that in real life children continue to need their parents’ help, and our responsibilities as parents never really end.

Sitting next to one of my closest friends who like me has an adult child with disabilities, we shared a knowing smile. While all parents have ongoing concerns about their children, even when they are adults, our children require our care in ways most people never consider. Since our sons cannot drive, we must take them anyplace they need to go. Moreover, we manage their finances, appointment schedules, medications, and nutritional needs––to name but a few of our responsibilities––and we are their primary advocates who speak up for them. Despite all the tasks we still must do for our sons and our concerns for their futures, she and I agree that our sons bless our lives immeasurably.

As Alex’s mom, I have taken on roles I never imagined I would need to do before we realized he had autism. In addition to the typical mom roles of teacher, nurse, cook, chauffeur, housekeeper, and assorted others, I have also become an amateur pharmacist, psychologist, speech therapist, occupational therapist, barber, and most importantly, his advocate. My job is to make him the best person he can be, and I take my responsibilities quite seriously.  Because I know him so well and love him so much, I know how important communicating clearly with the professionals who work with him is so that they, too, can help him reach his potential. Furthermore, I am grateful to have the support of others working with Alex, bringing out the best in him, and I want to do anything to make their jobs easier.

Because of my belief in the need for parents to assist those who work with their children, I found a blog article I read the other day rather surprising. Entitled “I Just Want to Be My Son’s Mom, Not His Private IEP Case Manager,” the anonymous author describes herself as the mother of a teenage son who has “significant issues with social skills.” [To read this article, please click here.] In the article she describes an incident in which her son’s teacher emailed her regarding an outburst her son had in class. She quotes a statement from the email that frustrated her terribly: “We’d like you to come in to discuss your son’s behaviors and hear your ideas for how we might best help him.” Apparently, after years of advocating for her son, this was the last straw, as far as she was concerned.

In response to the school’s request for a meeting, she describes her reaction: “I felt like I was being asked to be his case manager, teacher, social skills coach, and professional consultant.” Further, she states, “This wasn’t a job I asked for…But I didn’t want it any more.” She complains that she doesn’t “get to have fun” with her son or “spend quality time watching dumb TV shows when I’m busy troubleshooting problems that come up.” Therefore, she makes a decision: “So when I went to meet with them about the latest incident, I quit.” Consequently, she tells the staff at her son’s school that they would have to solve the problems without her help because she’s just going to be his mother.

Perhaps her son’s school has been less than helpful over the years, leading to her decision to turn things over to them instead of being a more active participant in her son’s education. Nonetheless, the email the school sent seems to be reaching out in an effort to collaborate in helping her son, recognizing that she knows him best. She may not have wanted the job of teaching her son’s teachers how to help him, but it’s in his best interest (and, therefore, hers) to educate them how to educate him. She states that she would continue to be his advocate, but part of being an advocate is providing strategies to others to bring out the best in a child.

Maybe she will reconsider the consequences of her decision. Certainly, all parents feel overwhelmed occasionally, and being the parent of a special needs child brings caregiver fatigue that can make one want to quit at times. However, our kids, even our adult kids, need us to be resilient and tenacious. During those moments when we wonder how we can accomplish all we’re expected to do, we need to pray for strength and patience and peace. With God’s grace, we can find the resources and energy needed to continue our most important task in life: helping our children live their best lives.

“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9

6 comments:

Lynn Mayden said...

Thank you for telling us your thoughts about this article. I was thinking the same exact thing. We all have a wide variety of children on the spectrum. There have been many times my two aspies have driven me crazy but my husband and I know them best and are the best place to start when teachers, speech therapists, etc. want advice. As our family therapist advised me this spring, put your oxygen mask on first. I was completing depleted and trying to take care of 2 special needs kids. I now make daily things to take care of myself because obviously God chose me to take care of these kids.

Adelaide Dupont said...

Educators:

listen to the student first. This is what you're here to do.

Take in everything around the student as the student sees it.

Hear everything - explicit and implicit.

And, yes, resilience and tenacity are definitely needed.

Strength - patience - peace!

And God knows the children are already living their best lives and doing their best.

marjorie said...

Congrats on your retirement!

Pam Byrne said...

Hi Lynn,
Great to hear from you! You are absolutely right; we have to take care of ourselves as well as taking care of others. We can easily become overwhelmed with all our responsibilities and need to keep ourselves healthy so that we can be our best. Hope you and your family are doing well.

Take care,
Pam

Pam Byrne said...

Hi Adelaide,
Great advice! Unfortunately, most teachers do not know how to deal with students on the spectrum because they've not been trained properly. Also, teachers have to deal with so many different issues in their students that they can be overwhelmed by trying to meet their needs. However, the good teachers do try to learn and understand their students and seek information from the parents. This cooperation is essential for the students to be successful, but it does require patience and tenacity.

Hope you and your family are doing well!

Pam Byrne said...

Hi Marjorie,

How nice to hear from you--thanks for your good wishes! I'm looking forward to this next phase of life and what God has planned for me next. :) Hope you and your family are doing well.

Fondly,
Pam