“You don’t want to use the typewriter ever again because you
make too many mistakes!” When Alex
utters that line (with the typical pronoun reversal in which actually he means
himself when he says "you"), we know that he has reached his limit. For some
reason, frustration has been simmering for a while, and he lets us know by
saying something that seems nonsensical in a voice much louder than his usual
barely audible speaking voice. As though the National Weather Service has
issued a severe weather alert, we spring into action, preparing to face the
storm, in this case, a full-blown meltdown.
Most autism parents would say that dealing with their children’s meltdowns is one of the most upsetting, difficult, and perplexing issues of life with autism. Often these meltdowns occur in public due to sensory overload, and onlookers may mistakenly perceive the behavior as a bratty child whose incompetent parents allow him/her to throw temper tantrums. However, meltdowns are not intended to get attention or to get one’s way; meltdowns occur when the world is too much and the child simply can no longer cope.
Recently, I read a fantastic blog entry entitled “What a Meltdown Feels Like for Someone with Autism," written by autism mom Emma Dalmayne, who is also an adult on the autism spectrum. [To read this essay, please click here.] In this article, she explains what can trigger a meltdown and offers helpful suggestions of what to do and what not to do to help someone who is having a meltdown. I only wish that I had known this information when Alex was younger because I could have known better how to help him when he and I both felt quite helpless.
In explaining meltdowns, Emma Dalmayne describes the overwhelming emotions as, “Everything is too much…” and states, “Irrepressible anger that may seem completely irrational to an outsider can be inwardly devastating us internally.” She also notes that a meltdown may seem to be a reaction to something rather trivial, but this trigger may actually be “the last straw on the camel’s back.” She adds that the meltdown results from “a build-up of things, and frustration will be the reason.” To prevent a full-blown meltdown, she recommends being aware of the early signs of meltdown, such as pacing and verbal aggression. With Alex, when he starts muttering about typewriters, not remembering certain years, gas prices being too high, and/or making mistakes, we know that his anxiety is escalating. When we have been able to trace back with Alex the source of his meltdowns, we have realized that an accumulation of frustrations led him to yell at us about typewriters and mistakes.
After describing the emotions behind meltdowns, she admonishes parents not to try to reason with the child. Specifically, she says not to say that everything is okay because that is “trivializing our distress and it will make us worse.” Also, she explains that saying, “Stop” may increase anxiety rather than help the situation “because we would if we could; no one wants to feel this way.” When Alex has had meltdowns, I know I have been guilty of trying to reassure him by telling him everything would be all right and by telling him to stop because I was afraid he would hurt himself or someone else. How I wish I had known the right things to say to him that would have made him feel more secure instead of more frantic! We could have defused many meltdowns, had we known this wisdom.
Along with telling what not to do during a meltdown, Emma Dalmayne offers good suggestions for ways to help people with autism when they have meltdowns. To address sensory overload, she recommends a chewy or washcloth to bite on or a weighted blanket. For safety, she suggests a crash mat and a safety helmet. Also, she warns that while some children will fight in this fight or flight mode, others will flee and need to be taken somewhere safe. However, she recommends that restraint only be used as a last resort because “a touch can feel like an electric shock” which may increase the intensity of the meltdown. As children grow, these suggestions become even more important because their increasing size and strength can make them a greater danger to themselves and others.
In addition to these excellent tips, we have learned from experience and from his behavioral therapist techniques to help Alex calm himself. For example, we know that addressing his upset with negative responses can be like pouring gasoline on a low fire. Instead of asking him, “What’s wrong?” we need to reassure him that we will help him deal with whatever is upsetting him. “Can I help you?” is a better question for him because he knows he is not dealing with the problem alone. Sometimes I will assure him that I will help him fix whatever he’s worried about, and that eases his mind. Other times, I will help him take control of the situation by offering suggestions and choices when he seems too panicked to know what his options are. If he cannot make a decision, we will discuss the pros and cons of each choice, which seems to calm him. In addition, he sometimes needs his beloved numerical tools to settle down, so I will offer him a timer or watch to help him be more patient about waiting. Often, he likes to dictate a list for me to write, and then reading the list several times seems to soothe his anxiety, perhaps because he is more comfortable with written words than spoken words.
Behavioral therapy has proven especially valuable to us in that Alex has learned various routines to calm himself when he is upset. His therapist has worked with him to learn coping skills, such as counting and taking deep breaths to combat anxiety. As we go through these calming techniques, I can make suggestions, but I must let him decide what he needs to feel better. For instance, if he doesn’t want to count, I respect that and allow him to choose the technique he thinks works best at the time. He has also learned how to verbalize his feelings to explain why he is frustrated instead of resorting to nonverbal expressions, such as throwing things or hitting. Over time, he has learned that when we ask him what he is really upset about, we are helping him get to the root of the problem in order to fix it. Not only does Alex know that he can count on us when he is overwhelmed, but also he has discovered that he can take control of his emotions and the situation so that he can fix the problem himself.
While managing meltdowns can be one of the most difficult behaviors to address in autism, learning calming techniques can prove very helpful. In addition, those witnessing the meltdown must recognize that the upset––no matter how irrational it seems––is very real. As Emma Dalmayne points out, “Please don’t punish or berate your child for how they have reacted, as it’s not willful or even conscious.” By understanding the triggers behind the meltdowns, offering support, and assisting with coping skills, parents can help their children deal with overwhelming emotions and keep everyone calm and safe.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
Most autism parents would say that dealing with their children’s meltdowns is one of the most upsetting, difficult, and perplexing issues of life with autism. Often these meltdowns occur in public due to sensory overload, and onlookers may mistakenly perceive the behavior as a bratty child whose incompetent parents allow him/her to throw temper tantrums. However, meltdowns are not intended to get attention or to get one’s way; meltdowns occur when the world is too much and the child simply can no longer cope.
Recently, I read a fantastic blog entry entitled “What a Meltdown Feels Like for Someone with Autism," written by autism mom Emma Dalmayne, who is also an adult on the autism spectrum. [To read this essay, please click here.] In this article, she explains what can trigger a meltdown and offers helpful suggestions of what to do and what not to do to help someone who is having a meltdown. I only wish that I had known this information when Alex was younger because I could have known better how to help him when he and I both felt quite helpless.
In explaining meltdowns, Emma Dalmayne describes the overwhelming emotions as, “Everything is too much…” and states, “Irrepressible anger that may seem completely irrational to an outsider can be inwardly devastating us internally.” She also notes that a meltdown may seem to be a reaction to something rather trivial, but this trigger may actually be “the last straw on the camel’s back.” She adds that the meltdown results from “a build-up of things, and frustration will be the reason.” To prevent a full-blown meltdown, she recommends being aware of the early signs of meltdown, such as pacing and verbal aggression. With Alex, when he starts muttering about typewriters, not remembering certain years, gas prices being too high, and/or making mistakes, we know that his anxiety is escalating. When we have been able to trace back with Alex the source of his meltdowns, we have realized that an accumulation of frustrations led him to yell at us about typewriters and mistakes.
After describing the emotions behind meltdowns, she admonishes parents not to try to reason with the child. Specifically, she says not to say that everything is okay because that is “trivializing our distress and it will make us worse.” Also, she explains that saying, “Stop” may increase anxiety rather than help the situation “because we would if we could; no one wants to feel this way.” When Alex has had meltdowns, I know I have been guilty of trying to reassure him by telling him everything would be all right and by telling him to stop because I was afraid he would hurt himself or someone else. How I wish I had known the right things to say to him that would have made him feel more secure instead of more frantic! We could have defused many meltdowns, had we known this wisdom.
Along with telling what not to do during a meltdown, Emma Dalmayne offers good suggestions for ways to help people with autism when they have meltdowns. To address sensory overload, she recommends a chewy or washcloth to bite on or a weighted blanket. For safety, she suggests a crash mat and a safety helmet. Also, she warns that while some children will fight in this fight or flight mode, others will flee and need to be taken somewhere safe. However, she recommends that restraint only be used as a last resort because “a touch can feel like an electric shock” which may increase the intensity of the meltdown. As children grow, these suggestions become even more important because their increasing size and strength can make them a greater danger to themselves and others.
In addition to these excellent tips, we have learned from experience and from his behavioral therapist techniques to help Alex calm himself. For example, we know that addressing his upset with negative responses can be like pouring gasoline on a low fire. Instead of asking him, “What’s wrong?” we need to reassure him that we will help him deal with whatever is upsetting him. “Can I help you?” is a better question for him because he knows he is not dealing with the problem alone. Sometimes I will assure him that I will help him fix whatever he’s worried about, and that eases his mind. Other times, I will help him take control of the situation by offering suggestions and choices when he seems too panicked to know what his options are. If he cannot make a decision, we will discuss the pros and cons of each choice, which seems to calm him. In addition, he sometimes needs his beloved numerical tools to settle down, so I will offer him a timer or watch to help him be more patient about waiting. Often, he likes to dictate a list for me to write, and then reading the list several times seems to soothe his anxiety, perhaps because he is more comfortable with written words than spoken words.
Behavioral therapy has proven especially valuable to us in that Alex has learned various routines to calm himself when he is upset. His therapist has worked with him to learn coping skills, such as counting and taking deep breaths to combat anxiety. As we go through these calming techniques, I can make suggestions, but I must let him decide what he needs to feel better. For instance, if he doesn’t want to count, I respect that and allow him to choose the technique he thinks works best at the time. He has also learned how to verbalize his feelings to explain why he is frustrated instead of resorting to nonverbal expressions, such as throwing things or hitting. Over time, he has learned that when we ask him what he is really upset about, we are helping him get to the root of the problem in order to fix it. Not only does Alex know that he can count on us when he is overwhelmed, but also he has discovered that he can take control of his emotions and the situation so that he can fix the problem himself.
While managing meltdowns can be one of the most difficult behaviors to address in autism, learning calming techniques can prove very helpful. In addition, those witnessing the meltdown must recognize that the upset––no matter how irrational it seems––is very real. As Emma Dalmayne points out, “Please don’t punish or berate your child for how they have reacted, as it’s not willful or even conscious.” By understanding the triggers behind the meltdowns, offering support, and assisting with coping skills, parents can help their children deal with overwhelming emotions and keep everyone calm and safe.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
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